12 Pillars of a great relationship
There is not a single rule that would secure a relationship. All relationships are different and special, but still, here are a few things that you should focuse on. Pay attention to the rules that make a strong emotions in you, those are the crucial parts.
1. Sex
When sex is working, it makes 10 % of the relationship, if it is not working, it makes 90 %. Sex is one of the human needs as water or food. That means that if the sex is lacking in long-term relationships, it is hard to focus on something else.
Signals, that sex is not working as it should
- The other person is more like a friend, then a partner. You can describe it as lot in common, but not the sex.
- There is no joy from having sex with your spouse.
- It is too complicated. It takes more energy, then it gives.
- It is not pleasant for you, for your body or your soul.
- The body is taking a step back. You feel tired or the body just says no in different ways.
How to work on it
If you would like to choose, or if you would like to make it better, here are some hints or things you should do or develop.
- Choosing your partner - choose a compatible person, with similar needs. And how you should do that, is to listen to your body. It is intelligent enough and there is a lot of precesses, that it does in the background. Focus on all the senses, look, smell, touch, taste and pick the one, that you don't have any issues with.
- Developing the intimacy - for reaching the full potential of intimacy is that you have to open to your partner. What you like, what you don't. You have to feel safe in setting the boundaries.
- Healing the emotional wounds - if you are feeling insecure about your parts or you are not feeling well from something, it is most likely just a wound that can be healed.
2. Independence
Your partner is your best mirror. You will get pissed off of things that you most likely don't have solved yourself in you. And most things comes from your parents. You have to dig deep and get out from their influence. Or else you will seek in your partner what you didn't get from them. Learn what it is and learn how you can give it to yourself. Then you will be completely independent. And how you can figure out if you are still dependent? If you are asking a questions like "What would have my parents think about it", or "Can I really do that to them", you just answered. At least you are not laying to yourself about it now. And now you can start to notice the patterns and you can start living your purpose, that you have to find, then you can live your own life and you don't have to be dependent on anyone.
3. Know and communicate your needs
The most crucial part in a relationship is to know what you want from it, and what you want for yourself. Be in your body, it will tell you if what you are doing is the right thing. If you are feeling good and you are in peace, you have your needs met, but if you don't you may be lacking something. Find out what that is and firstly, learn how you can give it to yourself.
Then if there is something, that you want from your partner to do, or to stop doing. Learn a best way how to communicate it with him. Everyone is different and communicates on different channels. Learn your channel and your partners and teach yourself, what is the best way, how to tell him, what you need.
4. Freedom
In each relationship you need a freedom. Why would you take it from someone? Most likely you are too scared to let someone go be themselves because you don't have the confidence of you or your relationship. Here you have to start in yourself again and as well. For that I have a special quote: "every relationship will end, you will have a separate ways or the one that you live in will change into a different and deeper one". Also, don't bother with thinking if someone will hurt you, it is a waste of energy, you most likely can't do anything about it anyways. And how you can tell that you are in the dependant relationship? You will be or will manipulate. Or you will be requesting or you will be asking for something.
5. Vulnerability
Vulnerability can strengthen the relationship. You can put down all of your masks and you can truly become yourself. The level of vulnerability in a relationship shows the power and strength of it. It is the source of self-knowledge, the trust and the source of power that can help you grow together.
6. Constructive communication
When you are talking with someone, not just your spouse, it is good to know that both of you have a different filters created from different lives and experiences. Understanding needs patience and effort, as the relationship itself, you need to build the foundation brick by brick to make it strong. Learn how to listen and how to pass your thoughts. Don't worry to ask or to tell the things that you are thinking, because we are hurting ourselves more in imagination.
7. Solving the conflicts
The relationship without any conflicts is just an illusion. Take a conflict as some spices in your food you need it, but if you put too much of it, you will not eat it. There are two extremes that you want to avoid: creating conflicts of things that are not necessary, not talking at all. We want to avoid both, because both leads to end of the relationship. Learn what is necessary to solve for you and learn how to overcome the things that would make you stop talking. Listen more and talk less and always try to look at it, with your partners eyes.
Learn how to deescalate the conflict before you start attacking. None of you is the problem. You are trying to solve the problem as a team. And always remember that the healthy relationship seems the problem or the conflict as something that can deepens the relationship.
8. Common project or goal
You should be able to grow outside the relationship as well as in it. For this, you may need a project or a goal to work on with your partner, why else would you be together for a long time? It can be anything, from building a house and starting a family to go around the world. Have your common vision of the life and talk about it, the sooner the better. And as you grow outside, think about your partner. If this is an activity that he can join or enjoy together.
9. Children
As I don't have any yet, I will skip this for now.
10. Control and commitment
If you love something, let it be free, if it comes back, it was yours. If not, then it never was. The strongest relationship stands on the freedom. You are not owning anyone and no one owns you. Make the pilar of the freedom in your relationship. Wanting a long-term relationship is ok, but forcing it or require it, is not.
11. Common growth
How you can achieve it? The good thing to do is to have a "meeting" where you discuss your growth. Maybe even plan it and discuss it. Write down your goals and follow them together. But remember that those meetings are not about the operation of the house or the time. You can have separate conversations about those.
12. Connect mind, feelings and bodies
I think that this speaks for itself. Deepens on each level with your partner.
Summary
All of the issues that you have in your relationships, you help to create somehow. Do not look for a better partner, because you will always have as good partner as you have your relationship to yourself.